Confidence

I went to the Bucks County Horse Park today with Stormy and one of my students who was riding my paint gelding Sampson. Sampson is pretty new to Living Water's, and although he has quite the personality and opinion sometimes on how he is ridden, he has been fitting in pretty well to our program. We have newly discovered that he likes going out on the trails and likes to jump. He has only been over a few jumps and Stormy hasn't been over that many fences let alone jumped cross country very much so we decided to stick with the small stuff.
My old horse Pete would have dragged me to every fence and jumped anything I put in front of him. He is a fairly good sized horse so some of the bigger jumps would have posed no problem for him and I never felt scared because I knew he would take care of me, even when he was being wild :) But Stormy is different. She is young, smaller, and lacks experience. She acts brave, but I can feel her hesitate through my body. I have to ride the whole time and guide her through. I wouldn't throw her at anything big even if I wanted to. My student too has only jumped school horses that pretty much take everything in stride so it was different being on a horse that needed the extra push to get over the jump. That hesitation in a horse can be a bit scary when you're not sure what they will do. But by the end of the ride both horses were jumping small fences easily. Stormy actually started to eat up the ground between logs, sizing up the distance, and jumping confidently. And then I felt better too. I really enjoyed the last few jumps because she was enjoying them.
We started talking about this cycle of confidence. In horse training it is always important to go slow and always check your basics. If I present my horse with a small situation where they will be successful, they gain confidence. They gain confidence not only in themselves, but in me. When I feel the horse's confidence it encourages me to approach the next situation with confidence. My confidence in the horse and the new task helps the horse know it can complete the next task, and the next task, and then next task, etc. By moving in small increments I know what the horse can handle and the horse knows that whatever situation I put it in it will most likely succeed and it is willing to try.
It made me think of a few instances in the Bible where people have trusted God...in particular the words that stuck out to me were "I know whom I have believed." 2 Tim 1:12 'For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.' Or other instances 'For I am convince' or 'unfailing love', etc. We say we trust in God because we have the assurance of who God is. Then I'm not sure why I don't live as if I trust Christ. I have had so many instances in my life where things were falling apart and God stood by me-it should be easy for me to hand him my circumstances now. My lack of confidence in Christ is my fault. He has proven to be trustworthy. He has offered me help at every turn and I have forgotten to see that. Luckily God's grace is not above letting me start at the basics again. He is willing to let me start over and trust Him with one thing at a time. And when I see how He will answer Me, my trust will be renewed and grow stronger and I will continue to confidently commit the rest of my life to Him piece by piece.
And maybe eventually I'll jump the 3ft cordwood fence right before the water jump at the park...

Dark and Stormy

This is Stormy. I've been riding her for a little over a year now. The first thing anyone notices about her is how pretty she is. She has a definite presence that says "look at me." She is quick, athletic, graceful, and talented. She likes to think that she is perfect how she is. But she can also be a pain to deal with. Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) she is like one of those high maintenance divas that everyone loves to hate. And particularly as her trainer, she likes to try to let me know that she doesn't need me to tell her what to do. She knows better.

Awhile ago I asked God to show me how to live out a life based on grace. Really truly believing in grace for myself and showing grace to other people. Although I believe that I am saved through faith I have a tendency (and so do most people) to try to earn my salvation. I want to be perfect and I'm always working hard and trying in my power to fix everything in my life.

I thought it would just be easy and freeing to experience grace. I would give up all my doing and rest in knowing God has granted me the help and grace for every situation. I thought I would make forward progress and would feel like I had accomplished something and have this great peace.

Well it's been some of that, but mostly it hasn't felt very good at all. In fact sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards. Because what I asked for, God gave me and it wasn't what I was thinking He was going to give me. To show me how to walk in grace and show other people grace God has made me connect with other people and show me how I don't know better than Him or anyone. The only way to exhibit grace is to be put in a position that needs it. And we all as people are fallen and need God's grace not only to deal with God, but to deal with each other. I don't want to have to show grace to people who have wronged me or who have let me down or when I'm tired or when I just want to worry about me and not everyone else. To start to understand grace I have been put into connections and relationships with all sorts of people-some I like and most I don't. This means I get to see how I'm not perfect and I have to be humble and I have to be patient and kind and slow to anger and give second chances when I don't think people deserve it and let go of my rights. But I don't deserve all that either and I have learned more about myself and how I need to accept God's grace before I can can show it to anyone else.

And that is where Stormy fits in. She's not a person, but I have an on going relationship with her and it's both a rewarding and difficult one. My old horse Pete was so different to ride. Sure we would fight sometimes, but most of the time we were of the same mind and I felt close and connected whenever I did something with him. Riding is about the horse yielding and Stormy sure puts up a fight when I ask her to yield sometimes. If I ask her to move away from my leg she leans against it and braces. If I ask her to soften in her head and neck she lifts her head and runs, pulling against my hand. When I ask her to come forward instead of rounding her back she hollows and gets fast. Half the time we seem to be working against each other. I'm supposed to be training her, but she won't even pay attention or listen. She disregards what I say and I get mad. I don't feel close to her at all. We're supposed to be getting more successful not fighting all the time. Riding her is supposed to be fun and sometimes it's not.

Recently things have gotten better though because I learned a few things...

Not to expect perfection. Perfection is a lot of pressure. It's also simply not possible here on earth. I can not always expect perfection from my horse or other people or myself. I'm Stormy's trainer. If I don't expect that she will make mistakes I never leave room for her to learn. She will get discouraged and lose confidence because she simply can't attain what I am asking. We do that to other people. We aren't offering people grace when we get mad about their mistakes. Sure we can be upset about disappointments, but letting it ruin relationships by holding those mistakes over peoples heads won't make them try harder to be better, it can only push them farther away. When people hurt us we should tell them, but we should also forgive them and try to move on whether they change or not. I also expect myself to be perfect. I beat myself up for my mistakes. I try to pretend I've arrived in my righteousness and God wants me to remember that I won't ever be "there" until I leave this earth. I need to always depend on God and not my ability until that time.

We can't do it alone. I work with my riding instructor to work with Stormy. She gives me another point of view. She is there to instruct and help me, as well as encourage me. She keeps me pointed in the right direction and gives me new goals. Similarly we need the people around us to help us out. Whether to keep us accountable or to correct us or encourage us, we should seek out a group of Christian's to keep us going in the right direction. There may also be people that we "need" but don't necessarily like. We may learn the most and grow the most when we interact with difficult people or people we don't like. I often find out that it is me that needs to change (even in my riding lessons-I'm not the perfect rider so I can't expect Stormy to be the perfect horse!) We need to look upon all people as necessary to our Christian walk. We can't do it alone.

The relationship must be more important than the end goal. When I get in horse show mode a lot of times I forget about what Stormy is thinking. I just want her to perform, I could care less if she is nervous or excited. But when I care about what is going on in her head, she is more likely to perform better. See how that works??It's been preached a billion times, but God cares about our heart not our performance, but our performance reflects where our heart is at. The two are intertwined. When we want a relationship with God we are more likely to do the right thing.

See how far you've come and not how far you have to go. When we keep our perspective focused on what we have accomplished we are more likely to see God's provision instead of seeing what we feel God has not given. When examined like this you can see that it has been "enough." As for Stormy she has made so much more progress than I give her credit for. We just recently attended a clinic by Felicitas von Neumann Cosel and really learned a lot. Felicitas, as well as my regular trainer, and the trainer I grew up riding with all focus on making the horse attain bigger, better, and more balanced gaits through correct biomechanics and precision riding. I am passionate about seeing correct riding develop willing horses. I could go on and on about dressage and it's ability to make the horse more beautiful. It is an extremely hard sport requiring a lot of natural feel and discipline to understand how to balance a horse without force. If you have ever felt the connection you know what I'm talking about. Even little Stormy who is just doing training level looks so much bigger and bouncier and beautiful when I can square her up and free her shoulders and neck. See here to hear part of my lesson and see if you can understand the goal.

So my life has been pretty "stormy" lately, but it has given me the ability to see and extend grace to others. I'm not sure exactly why I'm facing these circumstances, but I know enough to know they have a purpose. A storm usually means being on the horizon of something good. Even if it does seem like it will never clear. The changes made in your life and my life prove that the grace of Jesus Christ works and is the only thing we can truly purpose our lives on.

Always Greener on the other side...

The horses literally wait for the mower to shoot out the grass clippings from the other side of the fence so they can eat it, even though they are in a huge field with lots of grass :)

How bad do you want it?

So I always get these spam emails for dieting pills and such (I think because I belong to many running/fitness type magazines and forums) and then I turned on the tv and the one channel I get had this infommercial on this no struggle Diet Plan. The message for both was the same: You don't have to exercise and you can eat whatever you want and you will still lose weight!

How dumb. Who actually buys into that? Actually I bet a lot of people do. It drives me nuts that people can't just accept the fact that if they want to change they are going to have to put in the effort. I'm sorry, if you want to lose weight; start running and limit what you eat-that's just how it is. Why do they sell it to you that way? Because everyone wants life to be easy.

For some reason we can find a hundred and one excuses to not put in the effort or talk about how it's not our fault we are the way we are.

I think we as Christians do the same thing with our faith. Or I will say it like this-I know I do that with my faith a lot of the time. Jesus saved us outright, with us not doing a thing to earn it (a little thing called justification)but once we accept that salvation, our sanctification process starts and there in-lies the work part. Still not working to earn anything, but if you believe Christ died for you and you want Him to change you, you must cooperate and do the work necessary for Christ to take hold of your life and change it.

So what are the excuses?? Well have you ever said 'I'm waiting for God to reveal His will'? And then said that over and over and over again while you do nothing about it. It is not a bad thing to wait on God's will, but when you are just waiting forever and ever, it doesn't mean God has not revealed His will, it usually means you are relying on yourself, whether out of fear or doubt, to come up with a solution because you don't like the answer you see from God. Or you assume God will bring you what or who you need and you sit back "waiting on God" but never do anything. Or you can't do what God asks until everything gets answered for you. These are poor response as a Christian. Christ saved you, but He didn't intend it to end with that. In Philippians, Paul says to "work out your salvation with fear and trembling." He talks about obedience as being an active thing. DO SOMETHING.

So wherever you are stuck, don't blame God. Take a leap of faith, find out what the Bible says about it and do something. Make a change in your life. Figure out what your issues are and deal with them, don't just bury them or expect God to fix them and make them go away.

And by all means don't think you can eat ice cream everyday, take a diet pill and poof everything is fine. If that was the case Owowcow would not be a problem for me :)

What Do You Want Most....

One of my favorite movies is Pirates of the Caribbean (I wasn't a huge fan of number 4, 2&3 get a little silly, but the first one is perfect-can quote every line :) just sayin')For some reason this week I was thinking about Jack's compass. For those that don't know Jack has a compass that points to the thing you want most in the world. Many people fight for control of the compass and it shows them the direction to buried treasure, loved ones, and power. The compass reveals the heart of the person.
Currently there are many things I want. Not all of them material-some of them are things like a relationship, to horse show and be acknowledged for my skills as a rider all the time, to not have my horses knock down the electric fence everyday (no really that'd be awesome if that could stop happening), etc. It is by no means bad to want things, but I think I've noticed a pattern of making these things of far more value than they should.
As a Christian, the thing I should want most should be God, it should be my relationship with Jesus Christ. What makes me most sad is that I feel like I've been wanting Christ, but only as a means to get those other things I desire. My compass although I say should point to God is really directed through God to these other things. I'm trying to manipulate God and His plan (it is HIS plan for a reason). I know that it is Christ, not His blessings that satisfy, but sometimes I think I lose sight of that and then I get jealous or angry or frustrated because I don't have certain things. Only in recognizing this can I change my heart toward Christ.
I am so thankful for God's grace in patiently guiding me. I pray He continually turns the compass of my heart back toward Him. Captain Jack I'm pretty sure is missing out :)

Girls Weekend

The first Intermediate Girls Weekend went so well! There was a range of skill levels, but every single one of them improved and I hope took something new away from it. I was so proud of them!

My approach to riding can be drastically different than a lot of instructors. The end result may be the same, but my focus is on the details and understanding why you do what you do on a horse (no, riding is not just sitting on the horse-ask the girls it's very hard). I'm not sure why more instructors don't talk about what I talked about. I owe it all to my trainer who taught me. Just watching her ride while I grew up made me realize there was something more special than just going around on the horse. She is a truly gifted rider. She makes everything look effortless and seeing that made me truly understand that what she was teaching could make any horse or rider successful. My trainer always instructed me to ride the horse with my seat and legs, never my hand and to always be aware of controlling the horses body. I never could sit on a horse and just go around. My mind had to be engaged with my riding. I tried to get the girls to do the same.

I was proud of my horses too! I have been riding them since February and to see them actually do what the girls were asking was amazing. It makes me feel like my work is paying off. They even seemed to enjoy it which is always crucial since the spent many hours in the ring. The girls made them all look good!



I was also really excited about the spiritual content. I am truly passionate about dressage and teaching people how to train horses and become good thinking riders, but I also have been discovering a passion this year for speaking to girls about their relationship with Christ. It took me a long time to get that Christ was more than just rules or religion. I love the story of the women at the well in John chapter 4 (the story our stable name is based off of). I grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn't until my college years that I came to terms with the fact that I was a lot like her-a really messy person and I couldn't fix myself. I wasn't trying to satisfy myself with things that were morally wrong, like the woman at the well, but the things I thought would make me happy and fulfilled were just as disappointing and enslaving as immoral things. Thankfully, God kept leaning into me and showed me life and living water beyond keeping good grades, having nice friends, and getting to show my horse. He in a sense refocused me using circumstances in my life and various people (not all of it felt very good). But even after that I struggled with feeling like I didn't have abundant life, like Jesus promises. I soon discovered that the Christin walk is a lifelong struggle of recognizing what things we make our idols before God. We drink of different things in life hoping that they will bring us fulfillment-they can be good and bad-my list tends to be pretty socially acceptable, but it never works. Even deeper than that I learned it had more to do with a heart issue than the individual things I turn to. At some level I think that life should just be easy and comfortable and God isn't giving me that, so I turn to other things to distract me from the pain or to just see if it can make me feel happy. It succeeds for awhile, but it never lasts. I also think we as women in particular get caught up in believing lies about ourselves and God. We did an exercise where we wrote down our lies on a poster and then as a group found scriptures to combat the lies with truth. It is my hope that the girls don't just take this as a good talk and really apply it. I learned that I had to work hard to make sure Jesus stays at the center of my life. It still doesn't always work-I have my list of mini gods I think can fulfill me, but when I turn to Jesus I walk away so much more satisfied because when I ask He gives me Himself everytime.

Clean Tack

Two of my volunteers cleaned my saddle for me this weekend. My saddle is 8 years old and well used, but after they had cleaned and oiled it it looked brand new! I took the cover off this morning to ride my horse and it made me happy to see it shining :)

But by the end of the day, after riding 5 horses in it, it had gotten gross again. Dirt from the girth I threw across the top of it each time I tacked up clung to the seat. Hair from all the shedding horses stuck to it in places. The usual spots showed scuff marks.

That seems to be how life goes. You clean stuff up only for it to get dirty again. It seems hopeless, but as humans that's what we are constantly trying to do, clean up our lives. It may work for a time, but it is never permanant.

Thankfully we have a God that has "cleaned us up" once and for all. Better yet he has made us brand new again. So although this life seems to wear on us and it doesn't seem like we ever have control of the mess, we have hope in the promise of eternity and a newness in Christ that won't fade away.