Confidence

I went to the Bucks County Horse Park today with Stormy and one of my students who was riding my paint gelding Sampson. Sampson is pretty new to Living Water's, and although he has quite the personality and opinion sometimes on how he is ridden, he has been fitting in pretty well to our program. We have newly discovered that he likes going out on the trails and likes to jump. He has only been over a few jumps and Stormy hasn't been over that many fences let alone jumped cross country very much so we decided to stick with the small stuff.
My old horse Pete would have dragged me to every fence and jumped anything I put in front of him. He is a fairly good sized horse so some of the bigger jumps would have posed no problem for him and I never felt scared because I knew he would take care of me, even when he was being wild :) But Stormy is different. She is young, smaller, and lacks experience. She acts brave, but I can feel her hesitate through my body. I have to ride the whole time and guide her through. I wouldn't throw her at anything big even if I wanted to. My student too has only jumped school horses that pretty much take everything in stride so it was different being on a horse that needed the extra push to get over the jump. That hesitation in a horse can be a bit scary when you're not sure what they will do. But by the end of the ride both horses were jumping small fences easily. Stormy actually started to eat up the ground between logs, sizing up the distance, and jumping confidently. And then I felt better too. I really enjoyed the last few jumps because she was enjoying them.
We started talking about this cycle of confidence. In horse training it is always important to go slow and always check your basics. If I present my horse with a small situation where they will be successful, they gain confidence. They gain confidence not only in themselves, but in me. When I feel the horse's confidence it encourages me to approach the next situation with confidence. My confidence in the horse and the new task helps the horse know it can complete the next task, and the next task, and then next task, etc. By moving in small increments I know what the horse can handle and the horse knows that whatever situation I put it in it will most likely succeed and it is willing to try.
It made me think of a few instances in the Bible where people have trusted God...in particular the words that stuck out to me were "I know whom I have believed." 2 Tim 1:12 'For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.' Or other instances 'For I am convince' or 'unfailing love', etc. We say we trust in God because we have the assurance of who God is. Then I'm not sure why I don't live as if I trust Christ. I have had so many instances in my life where things were falling apart and God stood by me-it should be easy for me to hand him my circumstances now. My lack of confidence in Christ is my fault. He has proven to be trustworthy. He has offered me help at every turn and I have forgotten to see that. Luckily God's grace is not above letting me start at the basics again. He is willing to let me start over and trust Him with one thing at a time. And when I see how He will answer Me, my trust will be renewed and grow stronger and I will continue to confidently commit the rest of my life to Him piece by piece.
And maybe eventually I'll jump the 3ft cordwood fence right before the water jump at the park...

Dark and Stormy

This is Stormy. I've been riding her for a little over a year now. The first thing anyone notices about her is how pretty she is. She has a definite presence that says "look at me." She is quick, athletic, graceful, and talented. She likes to think that she is perfect how she is. But she can also be a pain to deal with. Sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) she is like one of those high maintenance divas that everyone loves to hate. And particularly as her trainer, she likes to try to let me know that she doesn't need me to tell her what to do. She knows better.

Awhile ago I asked God to show me how to live out a life based on grace. Really truly believing in grace for myself and showing grace to other people. Although I believe that I am saved through faith I have a tendency (and so do most people) to try to earn my salvation. I want to be perfect and I'm always working hard and trying in my power to fix everything in my life.

I thought it would just be easy and freeing to experience grace. I would give up all my doing and rest in knowing God has granted me the help and grace for every situation. I thought I would make forward progress and would feel like I had accomplished something and have this great peace.

Well it's been some of that, but mostly it hasn't felt very good at all. In fact sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards. Because what I asked for, God gave me and it wasn't what I was thinking He was going to give me. To show me how to walk in grace and show other people grace God has made me connect with other people and show me how I don't know better than Him or anyone. The only way to exhibit grace is to be put in a position that needs it. And we all as people are fallen and need God's grace not only to deal with God, but to deal with each other. I don't want to have to show grace to people who have wronged me or who have let me down or when I'm tired or when I just want to worry about me and not everyone else. To start to understand grace I have been put into connections and relationships with all sorts of people-some I like and most I don't. This means I get to see how I'm not perfect and I have to be humble and I have to be patient and kind and slow to anger and give second chances when I don't think people deserve it and let go of my rights. But I don't deserve all that either and I have learned more about myself and how I need to accept God's grace before I can can show it to anyone else.

And that is where Stormy fits in. She's not a person, but I have an on going relationship with her and it's both a rewarding and difficult one. My old horse Pete was so different to ride. Sure we would fight sometimes, but most of the time we were of the same mind and I felt close and connected whenever I did something with him. Riding is about the horse yielding and Stormy sure puts up a fight when I ask her to yield sometimes. If I ask her to move away from my leg she leans against it and braces. If I ask her to soften in her head and neck she lifts her head and runs, pulling against my hand. When I ask her to come forward instead of rounding her back she hollows and gets fast. Half the time we seem to be working against each other. I'm supposed to be training her, but she won't even pay attention or listen. She disregards what I say and I get mad. I don't feel close to her at all. We're supposed to be getting more successful not fighting all the time. Riding her is supposed to be fun and sometimes it's not.

Recently things have gotten better though because I learned a few things...

Not to expect perfection. Perfection is a lot of pressure. It's also simply not possible here on earth. I can not always expect perfection from my horse or other people or myself. I'm Stormy's trainer. If I don't expect that she will make mistakes I never leave room for her to learn. She will get discouraged and lose confidence because she simply can't attain what I am asking. We do that to other people. We aren't offering people grace when we get mad about their mistakes. Sure we can be upset about disappointments, but letting it ruin relationships by holding those mistakes over peoples heads won't make them try harder to be better, it can only push them farther away. When people hurt us we should tell them, but we should also forgive them and try to move on whether they change or not. I also expect myself to be perfect. I beat myself up for my mistakes. I try to pretend I've arrived in my righteousness and God wants me to remember that I won't ever be "there" until I leave this earth. I need to always depend on God and not my ability until that time.

We can't do it alone. I work with my riding instructor to work with Stormy. She gives me another point of view. She is there to instruct and help me, as well as encourage me. She keeps me pointed in the right direction and gives me new goals. Similarly we need the people around us to help us out. Whether to keep us accountable or to correct us or encourage us, we should seek out a group of Christian's to keep us going in the right direction. There may also be people that we "need" but don't necessarily like. We may learn the most and grow the most when we interact with difficult people or people we don't like. I often find out that it is me that needs to change (even in my riding lessons-I'm not the perfect rider so I can't expect Stormy to be the perfect horse!) We need to look upon all people as necessary to our Christian walk. We can't do it alone.

The relationship must be more important than the end goal. When I get in horse show mode a lot of times I forget about what Stormy is thinking. I just want her to perform, I could care less if she is nervous or excited. But when I care about what is going on in her head, she is more likely to perform better. See how that works??It's been preached a billion times, but God cares about our heart not our performance, but our performance reflects where our heart is at. The two are intertwined. When we want a relationship with God we are more likely to do the right thing.

See how far you've come and not how far you have to go. When we keep our perspective focused on what we have accomplished we are more likely to see God's provision instead of seeing what we feel God has not given. When examined like this you can see that it has been "enough." As for Stormy she has made so much more progress than I give her credit for. We just recently attended a clinic by Felicitas von Neumann Cosel and really learned a lot. Felicitas, as well as my regular trainer, and the trainer I grew up riding with all focus on making the horse attain bigger, better, and more balanced gaits through correct biomechanics and precision riding. I am passionate about seeing correct riding develop willing horses. I could go on and on about dressage and it's ability to make the horse more beautiful. It is an extremely hard sport requiring a lot of natural feel and discipline to understand how to balance a horse without force. If you have ever felt the connection you know what I'm talking about. Even little Stormy who is just doing training level looks so much bigger and bouncier and beautiful when I can square her up and free her shoulders and neck. See here to hear part of my lesson and see if you can understand the goal.

So my life has been pretty "stormy" lately, but it has given me the ability to see and extend grace to others. I'm not sure exactly why I'm facing these circumstances, but I know enough to know they have a purpose. A storm usually means being on the horizon of something good. Even if it does seem like it will never clear. The changes made in your life and my life prove that the grace of Jesus Christ works and is the only thing we can truly purpose our lives on.