Clean Tack

Two of my volunteers cleaned my saddle for me this weekend. My saddle is 8 years old and well used, but after they had cleaned and oiled it it looked brand new! I took the cover off this morning to ride my horse and it made me happy to see it shining :)

But by the end of the day, after riding 5 horses in it, it had gotten gross again. Dirt from the girth I threw across the top of it each time I tacked up clung to the seat. Hair from all the shedding horses stuck to it in places. The usual spots showed scuff marks.

That seems to be how life goes. You clean stuff up only for it to get dirty again. It seems hopeless, but as humans that's what we are constantly trying to do, clean up our lives. It may work for a time, but it is never permanant.

Thankfully we have a God that has "cleaned us up" once and for all. Better yet he has made us brand new again. So although this life seems to wear on us and it doesn't seem like we ever have control of the mess, we have hope in the promise of eternity and a newness in Christ that won't fade away.

Reflections on the 2011 Boston Marathon

Ryan Hall's Reflections

My sister sent me this blog entry by Ryan Hall-a top competitive runner here in the US. In fact he came in 4th in the Boston Marathon. That's pretty awesome. What I didn't know was that he is a Christian. His entire blog details his struggles and triumphs in his running career and how he leans on his faith. At the Boston Marathon he said he finally felt like he let himself run on faith. God had made him for greatness in running and that was enough to keep him going.

I found that so strange to read. He knew he was good at running, but he insisted that the credit for it be given to God. He doesn't take for granted that he is good and talented. His talent gives him all the more reason to put his faith in God. Just because he was good doesn't mean he can work apart from God.

I've been struggling with greatness lately. God has blessed me immensely with talents and abilities. That used to make me prideful. I was fearless, but not because I had faith in God, because I had faith in myself that I could do anything. Things like running a marathon, for example. The race was a lot of fun. It was fairly easy and I only had minor soreness for a few days afterwards, but my sister who ran it with me has had chronic athletic injuries for the past few years and struggled. She has a history of stress fractures and soft tissue damage on her shins. By mile 3 she had shooting pains in her right shin. She ran the whole race, even though she was in pain. I kept thinking I have to keep running so that she keeps running. I kept praying to God that He would make it stop and she could enjoy running. I even thought it'd be better if I was in pain. But I was fine the whole time. I am not thankful enough in situations like that. And then it makes me think I cannot possibly deserve to be great. God must have made a mistake letting her suffer and me come out fine. I cannot possibly deserve to be successful. So I try to mask my greatness, I downplay my accomplishments, I try not to dream, because being great gets in the way of God's glory.

I've just learned how wrong that is.

I love how Ryan Hall expressed that his running ability was as much God's glory as it was his own. I can't feel bad that something in my life is easy and good and it might not be for others. I thought I was putting God first by trying to get rid of my desires to be great at all I do and now I realize what an insult that is to God. Living by my faith does not mean that I throw away all the things I do here on earth. God created me how I am and what He purposed is not a mistake. I'm moving so tentatively lately-I've lost all the confidence I used to have. I'm scared. I doubt that what God is doing is right.

But I don't have to anymore.

Last night at our Good Friday Service we were asked to confess something specific that had to do with our unbelief toward God. We were to put it on a red slip of paper and come forward and nail it on a wooden cross. My thought was that I needed to confess my doubt that God wants good for me and that He wants to fulfill all my desires. I keep living like He isn't going to do what I want and when He does give me something good I live as if I need to not mess it up or He might take it away. Instead I need to live by faith. The good and bad will come and it doesn't hinge upon my performance. I can use my talents for greatness and if I mess up and everything falls apart God isn't going to take that away from me. I used to say I was waiting for God so I didn't want to put all my effort into one thing because maybe it would be the wrong thing. Now I know that I can run-and run hard-in the direction my life is going with faith set before me, that He WILL direct me. It's not an up in the air thing that I need to take control of.

I've nailed the doubt and fear to the cross to die with Christ. And what rises with Him on Easter Sunday is God's promise to me, that my faith in Him will keep me going

And I don't have to be afraid to be great. God is my father. I am His child and He loves me and wants to see me shine. Whether I make it or not, His love is there. And that is the faith that has to go before me. That is the faith that will get me through the race.

Running the Race

One of my favorite verses is Hebrews 12- "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us , and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I am a runner and can identify with life being a race and needing endurance. In fact I'm running my first marathon on Monday, the Boston Marathon. A marathon is a prestigious goal that not many choose. It is a respectable goal. I like running-more than most people I'd say, and I can run a bunch of miles happily and get lost in my thoughts. I enjoy having just me and the road and my music. But 26 miles, that's a different story. Our 20 mile training run was not fun, nor did it feel good. Everything ached, my knees killed me and stayed swollen afterwards, nothing about it was good. I pretty much felt like I might die.

This made me think of the rest of the passage of chapter 12.
"Think of him who endured such opposition against himself by sinners, so that you may not grow weary in your souls and give up. You have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons?“My son, do not scorn the Lord’s discipline or give up when he corrects you. “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son he accepts.” Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you do not experience discipline, something all sons have shared in, then you are illegitimate and are not sons. Besides, we have experienced discipline from our earthly fathers and we respected them; shall we not submit ourselves all the more to the Father of spirits and receive life? For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them, but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness. Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.Therefore, strengthen your listless hands and your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but be healed.

So many times I think I get stuck on the first part, the encouraging part and say yea I love Jesus, I can run this race because people and God will be cheering me on, and I can just get rid of my sin and keep my eyes on Jesus and everything will be great. Did you ever really ponder the rest of the words in the verses?-all of the sudden I'm seeing words like opposition, and bloodshed, and discipline, and struggle, and painful. And I'd like to say I didn't sign up for that when I said I'd run the race.

A lot of the time life is just awful. It's not fair, it's monotonous, it's cruel, it's back breaking, it is devastating. It is so many things that make me think it's not worth the running. It just seems like running and not getting anywhere. There's no praise, no results, nothing.

So why keep running?

Because of how I'm going to feel at the end. In a long run, I've learned to mentally battle fatigue by telling myself how good I'm going to feel when I say I accomplished running that far and I didn't give up.

For Christ I know that the end result is going to matter. There's a promise waiting in eternity and it is going to feel incredible to be told "well done good an faithful servant" you finished the race.

But what about the fact that I'm still stuck in the middle of the race? You know lately despite the fact that God has been blessing me and truly taking care of me I feel like he has with held things I want. I'm angry that things haven't gone my way, that people around me are hurting, and that God has taken things I care about. I see all my flaws and how I can't escape them and I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I even doubt God or am upset with Him I feel not good enough for Him to even waste time on. I don't want to rejoice or endure. If discipline is how to get peace and righteousness I don't want it.

But because I have this relationship with Jesus, I know certain things about Him. I've seen Him work in different areas of my life and there are some things I know to be true beyond a shadow of a doubt. I've learned there can be faith in circumstances and a faith in Jesus. The faith in circumstances changes. It goes with whether I like what is going on in my life or not. But Faith in the person of Jesus Christ is hinged on Truth. Do I believe that God is who He says He is and that He sent His Son to die for me so that I may have life? Do I believe what He promises is real-and that He has set in motion a purposeful story in which He is going to redeem a broken world and set it all right again-where love reigns? Do I really believe that Jesus is better and greater than anything in this world and that He alone wants satisfy me and give me the desires of my heart despite my failure to ever be worthy of any of this? Do I believe that even though I may never get all the answers, Jesus can be enough for me?

Yes. I believe that. It doesn't feel very good right now, I'm struggling in this race, but I know Jesus is faithful to complete His work in me. He hasn't left me alone (even though I wonder sometimes). He loves me. He knows what it is like to suffer in this life and face everything we do. He shows me how He is enough by giving me exactly what I need in terms of strength, rest, love, courage, etc. He shows me I can be dependent on Him and He will follow through. He shows me I don't have to be afraid. So I make the decision to keep running. I tell myself the truth-that the end result is worth it. That one day I too will be whole again-not broken by my sinfullness. He shows me that He sees me as His beloved just as I am. He shows me that in the times I'm struggling and don't want to run, He will meet me there and carry me if need be.

So I can't avoid the pain it's going to take to make it through life. It's promised that it will take discipline and suffering. But when I take a good look at who I'm running towards at the end I decide to have faith and continue running. The more I get to know Jesus the more I am glad to be running toward Him.

Rain is a Good Thing

It's been raining so much lately and I find it really annoying, but today I thought 'rain is a good thing because then I can get all the stuff I need to get done inside.' If it were nice out I'd be outside spending all day working with the horses, which is great, but physically exhausting. So rain gives me a little bit of a break. And then whenever I say rain is a good thing it starts me singing that Luke Bryan song...Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey....you know how it goes :)

My horses were so good today. I say "my horses" because I feel like I'm finally really getting to know them. I spend all day with them so I should :) But they have started to just come alive lately. It may just be the nice spring weather, but I think I can speak for everyone today, when I say we all, even the horses, really enjoyed the trail rides. Knowing my horses wanted to work made me feel good-that they were happy.

The horses may be a lot of work, but they make so many people smile.



And Fancy-who I thought might stay plodding forever, has turned into a completely different horse. I discovered she loves jumping! She is so alert and forward now, it's incredible. I'm not sure what aspect of it all peaked her interest, but I like it. We plan to expand and get new horses, but as of right now I'm so glad to be working with the horses I've got. Even if they are a very random bunch of misfits :)


(disregard the fact that I'm jumping ahead of her-I'm out of practice-soon to be fixed)

Be Still

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

A lot of my life seems to be to-do lists. For those who know me-I like to be organized. I love post its and making lists of things to do, things that eventually need to get done, things I want, things I need to remember, etc.

I've been thinking a lot about how the Bible talks about rest. I've also been attending a bible study on the gospel and how that pertains to living for the King in our daily lives. So often people approach religion as a to-do list. I have to be a certain way, follow certain rules, do a set number of things and then I'll be good. More often it's Christians who have this approach-people supposedly who got save because of the gift of God's Son as a sacrifice for us-not earned by us at all. We are always busy busy busy doing for God. The Bible says it doesn't earn us anything, so why are we striving, why am I striving to have it all together and make things happen for God? If I've learned anything (or should have learned anything) it's that God doesn't need my help to get His will accomplished. In fact I often make a mess of things when I'm trying to "fix" stuff. I keep hearing echoed in my head "Be still and know that I am God."

Now that doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing stuff (the horses would not like me very much if I just stopped feeding or brushing them), but I'm going to stop (or try to stop) letting my worry or anxiety or my need for acceptance, my fear, my pride (the list could go on) drive why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need to listen to what God is saying to me before running in another direction trying to do it all for everyone else. This is hard because of course I want the horses to look good and the barn to stay clean and for us to be moving forward, but all that at the expense of killing myself mentally and physically and spending no time on my relationship with Christ? It all comes down to what am I doing it for. I'd like to say it's always for God, but it isn't. A lot of it is for me. A lot of it is for my pride and self esteem, for my desire to be successful or to please others. I'm learning I'm pretty selfish and it's not always a nice feeling when you realize you are wrong.

God lets me get tired running around doing stuff, all the time waiting for me to come back to Him and say I need help. And when I ask Him, He gives me the rest I need and the strength I need to keep going. I still may be doing all the same tasks, but there is a lightness in my heart when I know that God is in control of the future and what I'm doing matters, but not so much that I'm going to die because I didn't do something exactly right or on schedule. By all means this is easier said than done and I pray that Christ continues to work on me in this area.

-Ashley

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Before and After

It's nice when you feel like you aren't getting done what you want to get done to look back and see where you started! The first picture was the barn in the summer of 2010-it wasn't even fit to have a horse in it! But with a lot of work, by a lot of different people the barn now looks amazing. All it needs now is a coat of paint on the roof. It makes me really grateful that so many people care about the program to help out the way they are. A special thanks to Leverne and his crew for building the new walls and beautiful stall doors and for making the structure secure so it won't fall down on my horse :)

Fancy

Whoever named this horse must not have been in their right mind. She is anything, but fancy. Her white fur is almost always a dingy yellow. Her hair is fluffy and frizzy and sticks out everywhere. She has melanomas (tumors common in grey horses) on her neck and jawline. Her pink-skinned eyes (although I put every eye drop, cream, ointment known to man in them) are often infected and goopy eye boogers drip down her face. Even when not infected her eyes only are half opened making her appear half asleep. Her conformation is terrible, her knees almost touch and she is pigeon toed, therefore making her hooves have an awkward twisting effect. She doesn't have fancy movement at all, in fact it was commented that 'Big Bertha' would be a better name for her, because she drags her body along as if it were the heaviest thing on the planet. There is no spring, no lightness, no grace to how she moves. She holds her neck straight as a board, resists softening her mouth to the bit, leans to the left, and is totally on her forehand. She is just a mess.

As I rode her the other day (trying desperately to reverse some of those tendencies) I stopped for a minute and thought about what Fancy does have going for her. She is sound-against all odds of conformation and gait quality-she is completely 100% sound and that is half the battle with horses. She walks, trots, and canters on both leads-not beautifully, but she does do it. And without engaging her hind end at all she manages to make all manner of figures in the ring, including circles, serpentines, and figure eights, and negotiate any set of trot poles successfully. She seems half asleep, but she is never startled, as is the fear with horses that don't pay attention. Her ambling walk and lack of spring are perfect for small kids and beginners who are over faced by big moving horses and whether its the sleepy appearance or steady solid feeling she makes even the most fearful rider feel comfortable. Fancy is not fancy, but she is a good horse, and a good horse to teach lessons on and spread joy to a lot of people.

God often uses the things that don't seem to have value to fulfill His purposes. The world sets such a standard for how life should be, what it means to be successful, rich, beautiful. We often get caught up in being worthy of those standards. 1 Samuel 16:7 God does not view things the way men do. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. I've heard this recited a hundred times in Church and Sunday School, but it hit me the other day how much I am concerned with my outward appearance. Sure it's good to take care of yourself and your things as good stewards of what God has given you, and it's good to outwardly do good things to others, but do you ever take as much time to prepare your heart as you do to prepare the outside of yourself? I'll admit the inside of me probably looks a lot like Fancy, a mess. My heart isn't really worthy of much good. I judge, I criticize, I think horrible things about people, I'm selfish with my time, I'm lazy. While I may strive on the outside to look pretty good, my inside always just seems so unworthy of God's love and unworthy to be used by Him. But that's the beauty of the gospel. I don't have to clean up my act to be good enough for God. It can't be done-it'd be like saying we were going to show Fancy Grand Prix at Devon. It just can't happen. God loves me-having no good in me-enough to send His son to die for me, so that He sees not me and my mess of a sinful heart, but His son, who he loves. And it's not hopeless-though I may still sin and feel like a mess, God is not measuring me by keeping some standard, He counts me acceptable by my acceptance of Jesus's death for me. Then I am free to learn to obey Him out of love and over time, slowly get rid of the mess.

Mess and all, God has me here at Living Water Stables for a purpose. I'm not sure what all of that entails yet, but I do know it means taking care of Fancy, getting past her looks and seeing the heart of a humble servant :)

-Ashley